7 Tools You Need To Master To Meet Your Person

Which, BTW, makes you way hotter and totally ups your dating game, according to these expert matchmakers.

The first of our 5 part series covering all things dating in partnership with Greta Tufvesson and Nikki Lewis, founders of The Bevy, a bespoke modern matchmaking service. Stay tuned over the next month as we dig in. 

"i do not want to have you

to fill the empty parts of me

i want to be full on my own

i want to feel so complete

i could light a whole city

and then

i want to have you

cause the two of

us combined

could set

it on fire" 

― Rupi Kaur

I first read this poem in 2016 at a shop in Chelsea Market. I was in the middle of my separation and flipping haphazardly through books - a metaphor for my life at the time, no doubt. There, among the sentences, the words leaped off the page and hit me like a ton of bricks: I am not whole. 

At the time, I did not know that you cannot love another before learning to love yourself. I was never taught this. In fact, for many of us, by the time we reach adulthood(ish), we're an amalgamation of our experiences, friends, family, and cultural influences, plus a patchwork of mediocre rom-coms, daydreams, and outdated notions like "life doesn't begin until you find The One, and only when you do will you be complete." With the stakes so high, given said "incompleteness," how could one focus on anything other than finding a partner? So, instead of devoting our most precious resource (time) to becoming our best selves during our most formative years, we look outward in hopes of finding someone else to make us whole, all the while muddying our sense of self along the way and making it impossible to know what we want... given that we don't even know who we are. 

I began to understand this only after pursuing every path (I thought) I wanted but wasn't going anywhere. Only after that did I force myself to go inward (very clumsily). I surrounded myself with people who supported me, discovered what makes me happy, eliminated what doesn't, and learned to be my whole self, not someone else's other half.

Ok, ok, I know you're cringing: "Self-work? Seriously? That's your advice?" But hear me out. What if, instead of focusing on "The One," dating could be re-cast as a time for self-exploration, reflection, and FUN? What if dating could mean that you also love spending time alone? What if dating could be a time when you're open to whatever and whomever without preconceived notions? What if dating was a time you let yourself be surprised? What if dating was less about future-tripping and more about "we'll see?" And what if, instead of feeling like you're at the mercy of the dating gods, you took your power back and showed up as your best self? This, of course, makes you immediately more attractive and inherently ups your dating game. See where I'm going with this?

Think about it: how would you act if I told you today that you would be with your person in a year, meaning you had the next 365 days to live "worry-free" without constantly "looking" for The One (so exhausting). Things like traveling with friends, attending art exhibitions solo, having FUN, and savoring your "secret single behavior" (thank you, SATC, for that gem) come to mind. Here's my feeling, live like that now and with the confidence that you'll find love… because you will.

Testing my theory, I turned to matchmaker Greta Tufvesson, co-founder of The Bevy, for answers. After all, if anyone knows about love and life, it would be her, given her years of successful pairings. 

"How is anyone supposed to truly connect with another if they're disconnected from themselves?" I asked.

Without skipping a beat, she said, "I tell every client to go inward before looking outward because like attracts like, and there's nothing sexier than self-discovery."

Here, Greta and her partner Nikki Lewis share the top 7 things you can do to become your best self from the inside out so as to show up fully in life and in a relationship. 

And when you do, chances are you'll be met on the other side with someone unlike anyone on your “list.” Someone who won't complete you but will infinitely add to your already amazing life. 

Let's dig in…

1. Date yourself first! 

I always talk about this with the men and women I work with. It's common for people to rush into relationships without first spending some quality time ALONE. Solitude doesn't equal loneliness. You can be lonely in a room full of people whether or not you're in a relationship. Solitude is a choice and has the power to be transformative. Spending time in solitude is a chance to turn inward. It is an opportunity to get curious and learn about your inner workings: why you do what you do, what you do and don't like, understand your love languages and attachment styles, and more! At first, this might feel uncomfortable, but I guarantee it will benefit you and your future partner in the long run.

2. Know your worth and clarify your core values. 

Flat out, this makes you a better friend and partner. One of my favorite quotes is, "People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves." With this in mind, ask yourself the hard questions: What is important to you in a relationship? What is your vision for your future? What are your current priorities and why? Where do you stand on having/not having children? Where do you stand on marriage? When answering, there are no wrong answers. Be honest and own it! Write it down and say it out loud, and by the seventh or tenth time you state your beliefs, you won't need as many words, and you won't take as much time explaining. And most importantly, you won't apologize for it. Defining for yourself, your truth gives you strength, power, and options. 

3. Change your scarcity mindset.

There are many fish in the sea. In fact, they are everywhere. But to connect with others, you have to connect first with yourself. Steer clear of rushing, marketing yourself or trying to seal the deal, as the last thing you want is to persuade someone into marrying you or settle for anything less than the real deal. Furthermore, avoid future-tripping with every guy or gal you meet; instead, adopt a "we'll see" mentality because seriously…. "we'll see," there are many fish in the sea.

4. Write down your deal breakers.

Sometimes we don't always know what we want, but we know what we don't want. Write those things down. For instance, if you want to have (more) children, don't get involved with someone who doesn't want any or more. Relationships aren't about changing your partner or their mind. It's about accepting them for who they are, not who they might someday become or who you can make them into.

5. Ditch your “list”!

Focus less on accolades and physical attributes and more on values. Return to your non-negotiables: Is kindness a core value to you? You may want an empathetic partner. Is learning meaningful to you? Then someone who is intellectually curious would be a good match. Cross-reference this list of attributes with your list of values and then ask yourself: are they aligned? 

6. Feed the things that fulfill you. AKA: Become the best, happiest version of yourself.

Now that you have a wish list of values, not accolades, in an ideal partner (see #5 above), ask yourself, do I meet those same standards? If the answer is no, then turn to your wish list and look for areas of improvement in yourself. Remember, like attracts like! 

7. Do the “Self Work” 

Mindset is everything. If you are unhappy, expecting your partner or someone new to your life to make you happy is unfair and unworkable. If you are dependent on an external source for your happiness, guess who will get the blame for your unhappiness? Happiness is an inside job, and it is your responsibility. Hot tip: exercising gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy. And guess what? Happy people are generally more approachable, confident, and attractive overall. So do the work, whatever that means to you, to ensure you are in the right headspace for dating.