Are You Divorce Curious?

Happily married or not, everyone wants a peek inside

"You make divorce seem like a blast!" A girlfriend and fellow mom proclaimed over dinner last night. "I mean, I love my husband, and we've been together for 25 years, but still, I'm totally sucked in, so intrigued; it's like watching reality TV." Flush with embarrassment, I emphatically explained that it is quite the contrary, and that my intent is not to make it seem fun, but instead, to destigmatize it, change the narrative, and open a window to another way of thinking about divorce… it doesn't represent the end, but rather a new beginning. 

And yet again, on a call yesterday with the founder of a magazine that celebrates women's voices, she offered that while she has been happily married for 15 years and plans to remain that way, she still gets a little thrill reading about the "other side" and the "what if" of it all. 

The more I dig in, the more conversations I have and the more feedback I get I can’t help but wonder: is everyone just a little bit "divorce curious?" Is divorce a bit of a marital fantasy, even in happy marriages? Are we programmed to fantasize about what it might be like if you weren't living with your person, even if there's no intention or desire to act on it? 

How many dinners have I sat at with married friends that relentlessly pry for all the salacious details of dating life? As a non-married person that's dating, you're essentially obligated to share all the stories - the good, the bad, the sexy, and the just plain weird - with your married friends and not leave out any of the details of discovering someone new.

The freedom, the adventures, and the passion of single life can be exciting to think about... but there is a vast abyss between jokes and reality; momentary excitement and building a life. Let me remind you, divorce is hard, and I'm in no way making light of that. I maintain that if you have a happy, healthy relationship, nurture it. And if you’re on the brink, or headed in the wrong direction, put all your effort into turning it around. There's nothing that can compare to living your life with a partner who inspires you and loves you fiercely. No date, no sexcapade, no experience or fleeting romance replaces true, committed, long-term intimacy. The novelty wears off. But if you have been coping with an unhappy relationship for some time and have tried and tried again to course correct, that's a very different story, and one that isn’t a personal failure or referendum. 

At the start of Covid, everyone predicted it would be the era of babies- locked in the house, with only so much netflix to watch…but could it be said that it's become the era of splitting up instead? In every way, personal to professional, it's the era of striking out on your own, becoming clear on who you are, what you want to do, and who you want to be with. What began with Gwyneth Paltrow's use of the words "Conscious Uncoupling" redefined how we break up, and jump-started this mindset of "divorce done differently.”  And following in its trail, more forward-thinking concepts have cropped up (hello, gray divorce and co-parenting apps like Co-Parenter). While at the time controversial, Gwyneth, a vanguard, sparked the question we continue to answer today… is there a kinder, more thoughtful way to separate?

This very-of-the-moment conversation seems to be gaining readership with publications like The Cut dedicating an entire week to divorce and the New York Times featuring Maggie Smith's book about her divorce, 'You Could Make This Place Beautiful.' Plus, Glennon Doyle, the author of Untamed, has parlayed the transformations in her personal life into multiple best-selling memoirs. And Emily Ratajkowski speaks openly about leaving her marriage on Going Mental and later about joining dating apps as a single mom on her own podcast High Low With EmRata. Perhaps, one could say, the conversation is reaching critical mass, or at the very least is in the zeitgeist. 

The more I think about this, the more it makes sense. Whether lovingly married, about to be married, single, divorced, or something altogether different or in-between, there is much to garner from the conversation. Recognizing, understanding, and reexamining how people can part ways thoughtfully allows something more powerful and positive to come into play. It also offers a perspective that can benefit married people, reminding them that relationships, like all living things, need love and care. They change shape, they ebb, they flow. Hopefully, they ebb and flow together. But if not, that's ok. It's a whole new era.