How To Choose Friends Like You Would Romantic Relationships

Because friendships are love stories too

"Having the right women around you is the biggest life upgrade. Those that see the possibilities in you and encourage you to be the best version of yourself."

I recently posted a caption on Instagram — a statement of appreciation for my friends — inspired by the above phrase. As it goes with found Insta-inspiration, I couldn't help but apply the expression to my life and the badass, supportive women around me.

About the same time (March-ish), the internet declared it the year of the "Hype Woman," a mindset that I hope is here to stay and one that I have felt a lot of lately via reposts, DMs, calls, feedback, podcast interviews, amazing introductions, and, most importantly, endless encouragement from my dearest friends — women who believe in rising together.

And then as if on cue, given that I'm really feeling the "friend vibes" (in a great way), I received a DM from a woman asking for my advice on friendship, particularly of the female variety. She asked how I maintain old friendships while cultivating and creating new ones. Her question struck me, as I hadn't given much thought to how I build and develop my friendships. I've always seen it as something that comes naturally. But to bring it full circle to DOUBLE TAKE, I wondered: How do I nurture the friends I have while making space for new ones that align with where I am in life? 

After considering this for a minute, I concluded that meaningful friendships take time, action, and appreciation and must be free of obligation, jealousy, and guilt. They also require flexibility, empathy, and spontaneity. Lots of big words, I know, but the right ones.  

And while I sometimes feel as though I am not doing enough, I do my best to send love notes, congratulations, and praise. I go on morning walks and take late-night phone calls. I plan dinners and show up on time(ish). I bring the light and ditch the drama. I check in when they're going through hard moments, I celebrate them, and see them whenever possible — even if that only means running errands together.

In fact, there is one friend with whom I only run errands, another I go to concerts with, and another with whom I speed walk the West Side Highway (sometimes passing the now infamous "toilet-paper-picnic-date" spot). Then there is a dear friend that has, at times, been more of a co-parent, raising our kids together, acting as one another's chosen family. And then there is the friend who, no matter where we last left off, always answers the phone mid-sentence:

"...how much time do we have?"

"Ten blocks."

"Okay, let’s do this!"

While walking home the other day with a more recent friend, she asked who my best friend is, and I couldn't answer, not directly anyways. Instead, I reasoned that I count many of my friends as my best and all for different reasons, with the throughline being shared values. Many of my closest friendships carry the same qualities as my romantic relationship: love, respect, reciprocity, and kindness. And while the expectations of a platonic relationship differ from that of the romantic kind - seeing as friendships serve to comfort and applaud through love and loss, marriage and breakups, jobs and dreams, pregnancies and births, deaths, and healing – they still require focus, commitment, time, and emotional investment, just like a romantic relationship. 

Hence, friendships are love stories too. 

When my marriage ended, my forever girlfriends showed up for me and Alba. Over the years, they have invited us to every holiday (we always have a seat at the family table), numerous vacations, dinner parties and movie nights, and of course there have been dance parties, many glasses of wine, and endless laughter. And later, after I found myself on the other side of healing when some of those same friends were facing their own challenges, I met them on their living room floors, offering my support. I took their kids for the night so they could have some alone time (and later, so they could go on a date). And still today, we lean on each other. A grounding perspective from a girlfriend can right-size my thinking in minutes when dealing with a complex issue. 

That said, life changes, and so do friendships. Some are decades-long and steadfast, while others exist circumstantially or temporarily, and others fade away due to a divorce or breakup (“choosing sides,” which sounds as ridiculous as it is). The sudden loss or the slow fade of a friendship can sting (sometimes as much as a breakup), but in hindsight, it's all part of the cycle. When I think of all the phases of my life and the friends who have left a lasting impression, I think of becoming a mom and the bond I shared with other new moms through the experience of motherhood. I think of friends who have moved away and I think of friends that have gradually drifted from my life, toward my ex's. And I think of going from married to divorced and how that motivated me to forge friendships with girlfriends who were also single, traveling and attending parties and events together (who said a "plus one" had to be a romantic date?). And then there are my soul-connected friends who have been through it all and are here for the long haul; those who love me no matter what and continue to be instrumental in raising my daughter. 

Our close friends are the people who influence us the most. From a young age, our friendships provide a sense of belonging. I had forgotten to what degree until seeing my daughter forming her friendships and their importance in her life. 

As we progress through life, holding onto the friends that lift us up and letting go of the ones that don't, all the while developing new friendships, is daunting and can sometimes feel as intimidating as dating. Still, I have learned that everyone wants to connect at some level. And if they can't, for whatever reason, then like dating, they're not for you, and that's fine too. Sometimes they come back in new contexts, and you should be open to it when they do, but in the interim, if you meet someone new, and your energy aligns, exchange numbers or IG handles, reach out, follow up, invite them to coffee and get to know them, because there is always room for more. 

Esther Perel said it best, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” That goes for all relationships, not just the romantic ones.