Hot Tip: Kissing Is Everything

It’s the difference between thriving or surviving

Seeing as we're heading into a long weekend and coming off the heels of the biggest and brightest full moon of the year (hello, Super Blue Moon), I wanted to keep it light; a beach read if you will. And what's more beachy and sexy than kissing? Idk, perhaps kissing under the moonlight? 

Well, it's a good thing we're still basking in the glow of that light. At least it would seem that I (and apparently every other person on Instagram) am feeling the otherworldly power of the moon. Which, of course, got me thinking about all the cosmic things that make a relationship work. Like gravitational pull and how that can both ground us and allow us to soar. And, how like attracts like. How kisses are the conduit of love and how they have the power to stop time. 

And on the subject of kisses, whether you're single, dating, in a long-term relationship, wondering if you're in the right relationship, or have ever experienced heartache - we can all agree there's something cosmic about a kiss. It's universal.

So, here's the deal: whether it's your first kiss or your millionth, in public or in private, kissing can move a relationship forward (or not). In the beginning, it's a placeholder for more to come. And over time, it's a continued promise, a sustained connection. It becomes the place where you feel both safe and free. 

Now, don't get me wrong, just because you have chemistry with someone and like kissing them isn't necessarily enough to build a life upon (trust me), but it is a fantastic starting point. And once you do have a life with them, kissing and all, don't neglect this essential part of the relationship.

To that point, the people I know who are in vibrant, healthy, long-term relationships all have one thing in common: they're always making out (like really making out). Be it in the kitchen, on the dance floor, or before walking out the door. They. Kiss. All. The. Time. It keeps the spark ignited and alive. It's playful. It's joyful. 

In contrast, the friends I know who feel disconnected from their partner, are going through a breakup or are mid-divorce often note that the kissing ended long ago – something I've experienced in the past myself. It happens slowly at first, almost unnoticeably, and then all at once, it's gone – a missed kiss in the morning, a forgotten smooch in the evening, a turned back at night – until the act becomes altogether foreign. 

And while the lack of kissing may indeed be an indicator of a relationship on the wrong path, it doesn't have to mark the end. In fact, the opposite is true. If you're in a kissing lull, all is not lost. Simply reignite the spark by, you guessed it, kissing. Prioritize it. Everything else can wait. I've written about this briefly here, but I keep returning to the importance of this simple act. Kissing influences interest, and returning to it can revive a dulled attraction, reframe your perception of your partner, and start a new chapter.

I'm not alone in my thinking. "The frequency of kissing directly relates to relationship satisfaction and the ability to maintain a bonded relationship." writes Susan M. Hughes, an evolutionary psychologist, in this study. Basically, couples who kiss a lot are connected, have sex, and are more satisfied in their long-term relationships. Duh. 

According to research done for Sexual and Relationship Therapy, "kissing between sexual or romantic partners occurs in more than 90 percent of human cultures." Yup. Everyone is doing it, though how it started is a mystery.

Of course, the impact of a kiss comes down to a few things: how it feels; who it's with; where you are (and what music is playing);  and the emotions it evokes. Essentially, it is the memory a kiss creates. Does it tie back to prior kisses in the same place? Does it revive a feeling? Or does it just make your heart flutter a little bit, in that moment, to know you are where you are meant to be?  

What's more, when I've asked friends to describe what constitutes an amazing kiss, the technique is rarely mentioned – of course, that plays a role, too, but it's almost secondary to the chemistry because ultimately, a kiss opens the door to compatibility (I always say to my boyfriend, "we kiss the same." Believe me, it's a big deal). 

Think about it: after a great kiss, you're left with a tingle, a spark, a sprinkle of spirituality – the effects of an incredible kiss are long-lasting. When it's great, it's great. And you know it immediately. It's huge. It's primal. It's indescribable. It's a feeling. A kiss fuels the flames and evokes emotion.

However, a bad kiss is highly describable and is always retold by the mechanics of it (the limp-tongue; the slobber-er - you name it, we've all been there). How interesting, right? A good kiss is about the emotionality, and a bad one remains purely physical. 

It would seem that no amount of "liking someone" pre-kiss can make up for a lousy first kiss. According to this study, kissing assesses compatibility or whether we'll repel or attract one another. It's physics. Like attracts like. And so being a bad kisser isn't really "a thing" because what works for one may not work for another and vice versa. As the theory goes, locking lips allows us to tap into things like smell and taste that we may unconsciously use to decide whether someone’s a fit or not. So, that person you wrote off as a terrible kisser may just not be for you and, in fact, could be great for someone else – pass them on to a friend.

But most importantly, once you find the one you love kissing, don't stop. Always be making out. It's the electricity. It's the gravitational pull. It's what the moon does to the water. It's the life force of a relationship. It sets the rhythm and the mood. Enjoy.