"I Get Asked Out A Couple Times A Week This Way"

Hannah Stella, writer and Tik Toker, on her first marriage, the baby debate and how to up your dating game.

It's 5 minutes past 2 pm in the West Village, and Hannah Stella is home. For once, she's not traveling or house-wifing, the 32-year-old tells me in her airy tone before opening up about her newly-minted single life, getting asked out (all the time), what she learned in marriage and divorce, and whether she (actually) wants a baby. 

"I wanted a baby. I was so sure at the time. Now? Now I don't know." Hannah began. 

"I get that," I offered. "It's such a life defining decision and one that all of us have to make for ourselves. Maybe, the real story is that you're still figuring out if you want to have a baby or not. And, it may also be dependent on meeting the right partner. But either way it's so interesting to want something so badly that you'll stake your marriage on it, but then later, not be so sure…"

Hannah considered carefully, "Perhaps you're right," she returned (I imagined her curled up on her couch at home) before continuing. "Looking back, I had this sense that something was being taken from me because deciding not to have a baby is one thing, but having the decision made for me by someone else is entirely different. It's obviously more layered than that and I certainly didn't want a child solely because my ex-husband didn't, but I do think it's very human to want whatever you're told you can't have. Look, I still very well might have a baby one day. But now that I'm single the urgency to have one is less pressing."

"Without a doubt," I responded, rapt.

Hannah Stella is one of a kind — confident, frank, self-aware, funny — she had me at hello. In her era of personal truth-telling as a writer and Tik Toker, Hannah publishes her weekly newsletter, Moxie, while writing her book. We met through the Substack community (yes, that's real) and bonded over having similar experiences, including the fact that we both married young and divorced young.  

"I was 25 when I met my ex-husband. We got married when I was 27. At the time, I felt so mature. It seemed like a perfectly appropriate age to get hitched, but looking back, I was too young to make that kind of commitment. Plus, I have a theory that most people who meet in their 20s and get into a relationship almost always stay the same age as they were when they met — unless they're very intentional about evolving together. I think, to some degree, that was the case with us. We did not evolve," Hannah said when I asked about what she wished she'd known before getting married.  

"I married at 25, too," I chimed in. "I was a baby. By the time I hit my 30s, I was a completely different person. I, like you, wish I'd understood how young I was." 

Hannah continued, "Right. At the end of the day, there were dynamics I thought would change or improve once we got married. They did not. It was a childish hope that in retrospect was obvious. Lesson learned. Marriage is not a magic fix-all for relationships and in most cases it only stands to make issues worse."

On the flip side, when I asked if there was anything she wished she'd known before getting divorced, she paused and then answered thoughtfully, "My ex-husband and I didn't go to couples therapy, and that was a bad idea. We also got divorced very, very quickly. Which was also a bad idea. We were legally divorced less than 100 days after our first separation conversation. That was too quick. We should have gone to couples therapy. And we should've slowed the process and taken time to separate and work out issues before deciding if divorce was the right path forward. It was all too fast in every way — emotionally and physically."

"I haven't said this publicly, but we were both at fault for how fast we ended things. Initially, I said I didn't want to go to couples therapy. But what I meant was that I wasn't ready to go to couples therapy yet. I felt I'd raised our issues many times and needed a breather from the situation to gain some perspective. He interpreted that as my being unwilling to ever work on the relationship therefore we should get divorced as fast as possible. It was dramatic and intense and I should have been more open to therapy early on. That's on me. But people are dramatic and intense when going through a divorce."

Everything Hannah said rang true. The thing is, you never know how you’ll behave in a life-altering situation like divorce until you're going through it. I hope most of you never have to experience this firsthand. But if you do, I hope you learn a lot. I certainly did. 

She said after the 100-day divorce, she headed to South Africa for 6 months, bought a Catamaran, and sailed through the Bahamas for another 6 months, trying on her new life. She met and dated someone who accompanied her on the boat. When they broke up mid-water and docked in Miami, she returned to New York City to ground herself, embrace singledom, and focus on her writing. All of which she’s done.

"I'm curious," I asked, "how would you behave differently in your next relationship?"

"For starters, I have chosen to show up entirely as myself (now), in a way that I struggled to do in relationships when I was younger. Because, at the end of the day, it's just so much easier to be me than try to be someone else. I also have very little tolerance for bullshit anymore. After all, I didn't leave my extremely comfortable life with my husband, who I love very, very, very much and put myself through a public divorce, all to put up with another man's bullshit. Most definitely not."

"Lastly, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not for everybody. That's okay. Knowing this makes me better for the people I am meant for." She laughs, though she's not kidding.

"Hear, hear!" I said, "You know what's wild? I'd never been single before getting a divorce. Since I was a teenager, I'd always been in a relationship, be it as a girlfriend or a wife. How about you?" 

"Same. Being single is very new to me, and I'm loving it! Since I was 18, I was either breaking up with somebody or in a relationship. In fact, I met my ex-husband four days after ending a four-year-long-on-and-off-thing. And then, true to form, I started dating somebody a few months after my husband and I split — the catamaran boyfriend.”

"Okay," I responded, "so now you're six months single and going on dates… how does that feel?"

"I've always thought that dating is fun. I don't really understand why people hate it so much. It's delightful to meet new and interesting people and go out." 

"You love it because you're not looking to be in a relationship," I surmised. "Everyone who hates it is seeking a future with a partner. And it’s frustrating to go out on dates and not have your potential mate materialize. From what I gather, you're content with your life. Everything else is icing on the cake.”

"In September, I took myself off the dating apps and decided that I wouldn't get on another one again — probably for the rest of my life. Personally, I don't think anyone should use dating apps unless they need to. For example, if you have a really intense job that makes it impossible to meet people, then apps might be the right way to go. I have a lot of flexibility in my schedule which makes meeting people in real life a bit easier," Hannah offered. 

"Overall, I have found the biggest challenge with apps is that most people aren't able to truly capture who they are in their profiles — it's so easy to get it wrong — which means, more often than not, you're matching with people who are all wrong for you. Plus, it's more fun to meet people in real life. Not to mention more romantic. The potential is also greater to connect with someone you truly like and maybe wouldn't have matched with on an app because you'd filtered them out."

"That said, I eat out either with friends or by myself almost every night. And when you sit at a bar in a restaurant, people always talk to you, especially if you're by yourself — I get asked out a couple times a week this way," she assures me.

“So, ladies, PSA: Go have dinner solo at a buzzy place STAT!” I commented before adding, “though if I had to guess, you’re being asked out has a lot to do with your energy, openness and curiosity.”

“Totally. I talk to everyone. I go out with a genuine excitement to meet people, all people, not just the ones I want to date. In fact, I ended up on a "date" with a couple in their 60s the other night — I was alone at the bar and they were next to me. We chatted all through dinner. It was so pleasant."

Before getting off the phone, I asked for her advice for those going through significant life transitions. 

"You know, people ask me all the time when I "knew" it was time to leave and when they should expect to feel the same. The truth is you might never have that moment. I didn't. But inaction is still action and at some point you have to trust that you're making the best decision with whatever information you have. You might be wrong and that's okay, because even if you're wrong, everything works out eventually. Ultimately you have to make choices and keep moving forward. And most importantly, trust yourself in the process."

"Sounds easy, but that's a tough thing for most people to do, especially when they're afraid of the unknown," I interjected. "It can be SO scary. But, as for you, you're dating and seeing where life and work will take you…?"

"Yes. And if I meet someone or one of the guys I'm dating now turns into something, I'm open to a lifelong relationship and partnership. And if it doesn't, or that never happens, that's okay too. I am happy as is. I really like my life. I like who I am."

"And, remember that there's always a chance for a new beginning…" she concluded.

And happy endings, I thought to myself.