Once Divorced, Twice In Love

Christina Pérez on her first marriage, the decision not to have kids and finding her person at 42

As transparent as they come, my friend Christina Pérez (writer of: A Friend Indeed and contributor to Vogue) is an open book. Last week, while tucked away at her home in the Hamptons, she shared her honest, raw, and mystical thoughts on marriage, dating, and divorce over the phone. 

While wandering around the house with her little dog Allspice hot on her trail, she dove right in without hesitation, “You know, it occurred to me the other day that I got married nine years ago and have been divorced for almost five. It's mind-boggling how quickly time flies! Looking back, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life that, at the time, seemed to stretch like taffy. But, as with everything, time heals and now I see the process of healing as fun.” Her voice softens, “okay, maybe fun is not the right word - perhaps 'interesting' is better suited,” she whispers.

Our meeting was serendipitous. Christina and I were first introduced through one of our mutual best girlfriends (who also happens to be the ex-girlfriend of one of my ex-boyfriends… as it goes in the world of dating). Over dinner, we hit it off. Open, thoughtful, and curious, with chestnut hair and wide-set eyes, Christina looks 15 years younger than she is. Like me, she is a writer. And also, like me, she was married and divorced at a young age and dated for several years before committing to her current relationship. As you can imagine, we majorly bonded over similar experiences, i.e., learning about ourselves post-divorce and in our 30s.

“I was 28 when I met my ex, but we didn't get married until I was 33. We had this beautiful, loving, trusting relationship and truly explored ourselves spiritually – something I hadn't done with anyone else before.”

Christina explains where their paths diverged. “After we married, everything changed; he wanted kids, and I was ambivalent. I kept putting it off, saying, ‘Maybe, next year, someday, or after this thing or that,’ but in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't want them. Acknowledging that you're on different paths when you love someone and have built a life with them is not easy. But ultimately, my lack of interest in kids, and his strong desire to have them, pushed us apart.”

This expectation that women should “want” kids is all too common and something many women struggle with. From a young age, we're taught that our worth is in our beauty and ability to procreate. When dating, the biological clock is a constant conversation and consideration; when married, having kids is the number one topic; even after having a kid, people ask when you will have your second! 

“When we first divorced, I felt like a failure.” Christina told me in a hushed tone, “but I don't see it that way anymore. Instead, I feel nothing but love and gratitude for my experience and time with my ex - it was exactly as it was meant to be. And while we were both hurt and heartbroken, we managed to move forward with integrity and grace; I'm really proud of how we conducted ourselves.”

This struck me. What if we could take all the lessons and love from one relationship into the next? What if, with each interaction or experience, we could reflect on ourselves, our role, and how we engaged or behaved? What if we saw the whole journey as a way to grow and become more ourselves? What if we saw every relationship as a success for the period it lasts, however long or short?

“That said, the years that followed were some of my most gratifying and healing. Being single in my mid to late 30s allowed me to focus inward. I got reacquainted with myself, and remembered what makes me unique, happy, peaceful and calm.”

Naturally, I couldn't help but draw a parallel between our lives; there's something remarkably freeing about being married and then single again in your 30s, wherein nothing is rushed, and everything is an adventure.

“Post divorce, I dated a lot. I wasn't looking for a new boyfriend or my next life partner; I saw dating as a way to learn about others while learning about myself. I had a few mini-relationships that ended after a couple months because I wasn't really ready for anything serious. Then, three years into single life, I met someone truly special.”

At first, neither of them expected to fall in love and spend the last few years traveling and building a life together, but that's the beauty of the unknown; you never know what will happen next. 

“When we met, I was in a great place. I had wonderful friends, I liked my work, and I loved where I lived. My life was full and I was genuinely okay with being single forever.”

“Of course, I'd always heard that you meet your person when you're whole with yourself, but I didn't really understand what that meant until it happened, so it was exciting and surprising when I fell for him, and vice versa. I also believe that since neither of us had any expectations or hope for where the relationship would go, we both showed up as exactly who we are, the weird bits and all,” she offers.

Two and a half years into their relationship, neither has specific plans to get remarried, which opens the conversation of what it means to be in a long-term committed relationship without focusing on the traditional check-marks such as marriage and kids. “In my former marriage, I assumed we would always 'be together,' but now I know nothing is a given and there are no guarantees; you have to be incredibly active in maintaining your connection and commitment if you really want to make it work,” Christina shares. 

She continues, “Now, I focus on bringing my best, most dynamic, fulfilled self to the relationship instead of expecting my partner to make me happy.”

Scooping up Allspice, she excuses herself to feed him. But before she puts me on hold, she leaves me with a few thoughts on how to show up fully every day:

• Set boundaries

• Protect your energy

• Don't take things personally

• Keep yourself healthy, happy, and motivated

Jumping back on, she begins mid-sentence, “you know, it's such an honor to be part of somebody's life - to see them at their best and their worst. When you think about it, that's the core of the marriage scriptures, so why not just live that way? You don't have to be married to do so.”

Fascinated by her philosophy on building a committed life without marriage, I asked Christina what defines success for her in a relationship without the standard goalposts.

“For me, there's no singular goal outside of living as true to myself as possible and supporting my partner to do the same on our journeys. At the end of the day, it's really about having this beautiful witness to your life.”

Conjuring the cosmos, her voice dropped into the phone, “The way I look at it, everybody is like a little star orbiting through the universe. And ultimately, everyone's orbit is solo. You may join up with some stars for a while and then eventually, move on without them either in this life or through death. This might seem dark, but thinking about it gives me courage, faith, and the understanding that everything is okay. Partnerships are so sacred, and you have to honor the orbit, yours and theirs.”Her voice trailed off.

Hanging up the phone, I marveled at how evolved this all sounded.