Would You Move To Paris With Your Kids, Ex-Husband & His New Wife?
Ani Hadjinian on dating in Paris, writing her own divorce story, and staying curious.
“ ‘An Unexpected Idea.’ I’m not kidding when I say those three words changed our lives forever.” Ani beamed as she settled in for a coffee with me on her latest trip back to NYC from Paris for work.
Moments before, she had breezed into The Well on 15th Street, stylish and savvy, in a pink pencil skirt, denim top, and heels. Her spirit was bright and vibrant, and I was instantly enamored.
Ani runs commercial operations for Augustinus Bader and writes a substack called The Heartbeat. She is also an expat living in Paris with her two kids, and her dog, plus her ex-husband and his new wife. Yes, you read that right…
As you can well imagine, given her story, it’s not surprising that I needed to know everything.
“We met and married when we were super young - right after college.” She began, “And considering that I was in fact, so young, I hadn't done the inside work to know who I truly was or who I wanted to be with. Moreover, I didn’t even know what that meant to ‘do the work.’ Though I certainly do now. But, like everything, hindsight is 20/20.”
“A few years into our marriage, we moved from LA to New York with two young kids and very little support. Simultaneously we were building a family and our careers; we were in survival mode. Looking back, I wish we had checked in with one another more regularly. In fact, your recent article, How To Approach Your First Marriage Like It’s Your Second, hit home for me — it spoke to what I would have done differently and how important it is to realign with your partner at every major life stage. The way to do that is to communicate, and in our case, over time we just lost access to one another.”
I remember that feeling all too well — just getting through the days rather than being present and connected.
Ani continued, “Around the same time, I listened to this podcast with Sara Blakely from Spanx. She said, ‘You're the author of your life. You have the pencil and can change the story at any time.’ This resonated with the romantic in me; it was time to rewrite my story.”
Ani's thoughtfulness comes through. Having clearly done the work now, she articulates every word with care, consideration, and profound reflection.
“Our kids, at the time (5 years ago) were seven and nine. I debated whether I should stay until they were out of high school but ultimately decided that wasn't how I wanted to show up for them, the example I wanted to set, or the role model I wanted to be.”
“I wanted to set the bar high for them regarding love and relationships.”
Bringing her left leg over her right, she shifted slightly in her seat before continuing, “We figured there were two routes we could take, one was more amicable, and the other was potentially ugly. We decided on the former and kept the kids at the core of every decision we made — that's how we proceeded. It also became clear that using lawyers wouldn’t work for us, so we drafted a 30-page document that we filed ourselves without an attorney.”
This was news; I didn’t realize it was possible to file without a lawyer.
“Yes, it is, but it wasn’t easy. It took a great deal of collaboration and I attribute much of our success to the fact that we both remained open and communicative with one another. At various points in the process, I would say, ‘I need a minute - can you give me two days before I respond? If I respond now, it won't be great.’ ”
A silver lining? Ani learned the art of communication with her now ex-husband through their divorce. An understanding that they would carry into their new role as co-parents. It's interesting to think about how we can apply learnings from marriage to divorce and vice versa the second time around.
Ani elaborated, “It comes down to figuring out the best mode of communication for each person and then meeting in the middle. Plus, we each did work on ourselves separately in order to show up differently than we had in our marriage. We held space for each other, which is counterintuitive but works when you’re co-parents.”
“This next chapter was about staying open and seeing where this potential opportunity could take us.”
“One day, just after they closed school because of COVID, I woke up to an email from my ex — which was so unlike him to email at 7 in the morning. My first thought was that something was wrong, but the word ‘idea’ put a positive spin on the whole thing and made me think otherwise. I opened it immediately.”
7:43 am
Re: An Unexpected Idea
hi — i have an unexpected idea… how about taking a hiatus from SF for a year or two and moving the kids to Paris? It’s a big decision — no need to decide anything quickly. But I wanted to put this out there as I think it’s a really unique way to give the kids a once in a lifetime, memorable experience. You always wanted to go, and we never did it. So, why don't we create a new definition of family in Paris?
“Without hesitation, I wrote back,”
Absolutely! Give me one day to work through the logistics with Augustinus Bader, but I'm in!
“From a career perspective it made zero sense — financially, it was all wrong, but I didn't care. We would give the kids an incredible experience, make new memories and redefine what family looks like. At the end of the day, it would pay in emotional dividends far greater than anything money could ever buy… also, did I mention that he has remarried? When I say new family, she’s part of our new definition.”
So, they moved. To Paris. All 6 of them — Ani, the kids, her dog, her ex-husband, and at the time, his fiancee, who became his wife shortly after arriving in Paris.
“I’m really grateful to her, my ex’s new wife. I like to think that she’s one more person who loves our kids, takes care of them, and gives them emotional security. She's lovely, and I'm so happy she was willing to take this journey and have this experience too.”
Pausing to sip her iced chai latte, her bracelets clinked. “You know, people have this romantic view of moving internationally but the reality is, it's hard. Really hard. But also wonderful. I'm fortunate to have open-minded kids who are willing to go with the flow. They have learned the language, and so have I – which, at 45, is no easy feat! Plus, I still work New York hours, so I have the mornings to myself. In fact, I was thinking of taking a waitressing job in the morning to practice my French with Parisians. Who knows if I'll do it, but the point is to try new things. It's all too easy to be paralyzed by fear so I've committed myself to constantly getting out of my comfort zone. For example, I just went to Italy alone,” she enthused.
Waving her long nails in front of her face enthusiastically, she continued, “There's this story from Warren Buffett that goes something to the tune of, ‘Write the top 25 Things you want out of life (your goals), from 1 to 25 - number 1 being the most important and the 25 being the least. Then, he said, focus on the top 5 and throw out the rest — don’t ever think about them again. Those are the things you really don't want but are consistently lured by and are just wasting your time.’ I keep this in mind. Remaining curious about life is high on my list.”
Loving her openness and the adventure she is on, naturally, I couldn't help but ask what dating in Paris has been like.
"Dating has been hilarious! I tried Bumble in Paris and quickly learned that it's not that easy. Already so much is lost in translation when texting in English, let alone in a completely different language. Then add flirting in French over text to the mix and it's a mess because sexy texting is not the real language, it's a flirtatious, innuendo-filled slang that impossible when you're still learning the language!" She laughed and mischievously said, "Believe me, I have tried. It was a comedy of errors. Some of the things I have written have been WAY off! Google Translate most certainly does not speak flirt," she concluded. "Anyways, it will happen when it happens."
Before getting up, she added...
“Remain curious. Put yourself out there to try new things and over time, it just becomes part of life rather than a trepidation.”
Feeling heart-FULL, we walked each other out and onto 5th Avenue. The next day, she was headed to LA to pick up her kids before flying back to Paris for the start of the new school year. What a life — a beautiful second life.
