11 Ways To Make Dating Suck Less
Recap from my panel with a matchmaker, modern love therapists… and me
Dating. Ugh. It’s exhausting.
You went on a great first date, never to hear from them again.
They look nothing like their profile.
They texted: They aren’t looking for anything serious.
They ghosted.
They texted, then ghosted, then texted again.
Earlier this week I spoke on a panel titled “How To Make Dating Suck Less” at The Well in NYC alongside Lia Avellino, a modern love therapist and co-founder of Spoke Circles, Greta Tufvesson Stack, a matchmaker and founder of the Bevy, and Alysha Malik, founder of Rythm, a relationship game.
As someone who dated for years in the City in my 30s, I can attest to the fact that dating can, in fact, suck. I can also confidently say that it doesn’t have to, and can even be – dare I say it – fun. My stories confirm both truths. From The Non-Monogamous to The Man-Child to that summer my friend answered all my DMs on Raya and I ended up on a date with the wrong person! Plus, of course, my last first date. Through it all, I learned to approach dating with levity, as so much depends on your mindset.
But back to The Well. We quickly dug in.
With 47% of people in the US single, dating has never been less gratifying. In our hour-long panel conversation (that could have been 12 hours +), we covered everything from how to deal with rejection to changing your energy. As well as how our childhood baggage affects our relationships, acting out of fear, being open to the unexpected, and most importantly, ditching your list of "must-haves."
Lia, our moderator, opened with a thesis on coupledom. Paraphrasing her eloquent intro, Lia noted that in American culture, this idea of getting to the altar and being part of a unit is not only considered “goals” but also a measure of worth. From the Disney-era princesses that we grew up with and their "happy endings" to the government and its tax breaks for married couples, even society's expectation of the "plus one,” we're taught that we're better off as a pair. This can leave those who are not coupled up to feel unworthy, Lia explained. Especially women.
Look, I get it. When you’re single, you're invited to fewer things with your couple friends, you get sat awkwardly between other couples at the table, and you're assigned to sleep in the twin bed in the vacation house with friends because, after all, you're alone, you don't need a nicer room or a bigger bed.
As a single person, I was fortunate enough to have my daughter and dear friends that included us on family trips for years, but still I craved a partner. The desire for a fulfilling romantic relationship is entirely legitimate as so many women in my life would agree. Having a partner is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and I'm profoundly grateful for mine. It's human to want to form a deep connection with another and build a life together. It was something I had long sought, but it doesn't define me as a person or my worth.
The issue isn't the desire for a partnership; it's the timeline in which we’re meant to secure that partnership. The collective pressure to find "your one true love” in your 20s, 30s, and 40s – with the underlying tone that by your 50s, it's hopeless – is daunting, to say the least.
How are we meant to date if we're dating out of fear? Lia called it "with a gun to our head," before citing that much of this social stress is generated from the dating industry, a 5.3 billion dollar industry designed to "help you find love." And luckily, if that doesn't work, there's always the beauty industry, which can "fix you" so you can get back out there and continue your search, I joked.
But finding "the one" doesn't track with today's world. To know this is true, you only have to look at the fact that roughly half of all first marriages end in divorce, with many of those people falling in love again and getting remarried or having a years-long partnership.
With that, the conversation and questions flowed: What if you could choose to be in a relationship if you want to rather than feel pressured to be in one? What if you were able to see rejection as a blessing? What if you could focus less on the future and more on the first date, then second, and then decide if YOU like the person? What if you were an attracter, not a chaser?
During the talk, I mentioned that a friend recently broke up with her boyfriend and all she wants is to be single, so naturally, she has guys chasing. While another friend says if her husband ever left her, she would remain single and live in NYC with a white sofa – something she considers to be a silver lining to never having to negotiate or compromise with another person again. In short, everyone has to define what’s important to them.
The most significant takeaway was to do your life. Nurture your female friendships and creative endeavors that bring you joy other than romance and being in a relationship. And know that sometimes, when you focus your attention and energy away from something you want so deeply, it has a way of finding you. It's the love law of attraction: that which you want so badly, you repel. That which is meant for you will find you. But you must continue putting yourself out in the world to create opportunity.
Like this saying from The Alchemist: “The vibration of being who you are and doing what you love is magnetic. You will align everything you need in your life with that energy.”